@ShootyDoody First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
@mcdadstuff I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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@ShootyDoody 
@maisondecris cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
@daemonic3 friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
@AimeeHelene1 Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
@JohnLyonTweets I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@Shen_the_Bird [first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
@marinarachael My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
@canadasandra Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
@SteveSuckington “I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
@carlyken Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one