I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Every work call, he judges.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW