@mcdadstuff

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

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@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@marinarachael

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@carlyken

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one