I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
doing some research
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.