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Hit me in the face with a bird
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.