Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.