A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
God has abandoned us.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
So inspired right now.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.