I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Match dot com, but for socks.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp