I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
umm…
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me