Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me irl
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.