I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.