Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
…żyje?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.