Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.