What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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Why am I like this?
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.