What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
That’s it.I’m out.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…