Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂