I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.