Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.