Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Rambo Rambow
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”