As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
just witnessed a drug deal
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*