my mind
You just read my mind
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.