Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
everyone’s a critic
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex