*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn