I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
you will never know the true number of layers
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Dishonest mechanic?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too