PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”