Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.