If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.