I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that