[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.