Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Good morning
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Hell yeah 👍
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser