applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.