Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.