6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
These 3D printers are insane!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.