MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
men are simple creatures
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.