right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
