Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.