You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
the rocks need my help
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.