her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
who called it a toilet and not an IP address