They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty