A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
They’re on their honeymoon
Europe. Made in Germany.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.