The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Can. I. Help. You.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Livid.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit