Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work