Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?


[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*


if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm


I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?


What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”


Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.


Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!