Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier