Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?