Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with