I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.