Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
when someone compliments me
Wise advice
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.