[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy