Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
NASA has no chill
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.