Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*