When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.