I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Cinematography is my passion
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*jingles half the way*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.