Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
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I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Solving a traffic jam
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps