When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My last name is Zilla.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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