Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me