When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Terribly Tuesday.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.