I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Shortcut
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?